Monthly Archives: October 2013

MY FAVORITE MUSIC THIS WEEK

HAIM

This band is awesome! Haim consists of three sisters; Este, Danielle and Alana. I think they give out a fun, rocker chick vibe that is contagious and sexy. Their sound is more of 70s-80s pop rock, which is fine by me, because i love nostalgia. Their voices harmonize well with each other. I love Danielle’s vocals, a deep raspy tone. Quite a refreshing change for my ears, which only listened to Ariana Grande these past weeks.

I think I have a thing for harmonized vocals. I love it!

This album has grown on me, and some songs that i didn’t really care about has become one of my favorite.

My fave tracks on the album: Falling, Forever, The Wire, Go Slow, Don’t Save Me.

So-so faves: If I Could Change Your Mind, Running If You Call My Name, Days Are Gone

Least favorites: Let Me Go, My Song 5, Honey & I

Don’t feel like it

This post was published a day after incident.

We were invited to a wedding of a past school friend during our last trip to Johor Bahru. She was excited about going, and me too, I guess. But as the day got nearer, I began to feel a dread coming. I didn’t get excited about the fact that she and I are going to drive 4 hours to that place. I just didn’t feel like going anymore. I didn’t get the giddy feeling that I got the first time around.

It is hard to explain it. At first, I didn’t wanna hurt anyone’s feeling and just wanna go and get through it. I know what it meant for my friend. She loves to go on trips. But I just could not be looking forward to the long journey, just to attend the wedding of a ‘friend’.
Told my mom about it, after she asked me countless times about the trip I’m making, eg. what time are you going etc. I sighed after she was not satisfied with my answer of “in the evening”. I told her that I dread going there. My heart was heavy. She told me, maybe it was my guts telling me not to go. Maybe something will go wrong. I should take it as a sign. My mom was a feeler, she is ISFJ after all. My mom said it all. It was like the last nail on the coffin, for me.

I texted my friend and said I didn’t feel like going. I know it was last minute notice, and I know I made her feel bad, knowing that we’ve made plans for so long. She even said to have arranged a sleepover with her best friend from JB. I don’t know how she felt, but if it was me, I would be pissed. But I just can’t. I can’t go, if I don’t feel great about it. I didn’t wanna push myself to do what I don’t wanna do.

You might be thinking, why am I adamant on not going. For me, I think it was a mixture of things. Some are more personal and I cannot disclose. But I can provide some insights on my mind and personal thoughts.

First, I am not close at all with the ‘friend’ who’s getting married. I’ve known her for one year when I was 13, then she moved, and never heard from her again. Back then, I was not close with her, rarely ever talked. And I kinda feel that she don’t really like me. I know that I was a quiet one back when I was a kid. I never really talked much with the girls in my class. I was the wallflower. And I am fat. I guess I never gotten over that as I got older. You can try to tell me otherwise, but I still feel that people from that time of my past don’t really like me.

I don’t have much things in common with them. I run out of things to say. Things got awkward.

I feel like maybe I got used to JB, that I don’t feel excited about going there again. The only thing that is interesting to me is the food. And I am not interested in eating. I’m getting fatter! And with getting fatter, I’m becoming more self conscious and unconfident. Maybe even self loathing. I always feel like I am not good enough. People might notice that I don’t really care of what others think of me, but I actually do. I can’t help but notice the fact.

Yes, I feel like such a shitty person. I have bad thoughts all the time. If you know, you wouldn’t like me.

Alas, don’t think about changing me. I like myself most days. It is not because I am an introvert. No, because introversion is not a bad thing to be. Nor is extroversion. I am made up of many different things. So, only I can change myself.

And right now this is me.

Gravity (2013)

On Friday, me and my lil bro went to KLCC to go watch the movie Gravity. And it was awesome. I wish to see it again in IMAX 3D, but my bro had to go home today, so we could not. But, in my honest opinion, the movie is not instantly re-watchable, albeit being so phenomenal. Perhaps it was so straight-forward, there would be no point in seeing it again.

Oh well, lets just experience IMAX with some other upcoming movie.

i don’t like it when people put words into my mouth. as if they know what i am going to say. a lot of the times, i don’t even think about what they think i wanna say! and i hate that they would think that of me. makes me feel like a bad person, even when it is not me that thinks that way.

so don’t simply say things that you don’t know. and don’t put words in my mouth when you don’t even know what i’m trying to say.

first time i lost consciousness

This is a story of my first surgery evar!

My doctor (gynecologist) suggested that I do a procedure called D&C which stands for Dilation and Curettage. This was after she removed a polyp from my vagina. The test revealed that the polyp was not cervical, but endometrial, which is the lining of the uterus. So, she suspected there must be other polyps further up in there. Furthermore, she scanned my uterus and found that the lining is unusually thick. The only procedure to treat was to do the D&C, there was no other treatment she could recommend. How would she, if she did not shove a camera up there and see what’s wrong. So me and my mom reluctantly said yes to the procedure.

At first we were reluctant because I am not married yet, in other word, a virgin. I particularly did not mind, but my mom did. I was okay with it as long as it is not invasive or scarring. The definition of virgin does not lie in the intactness of hymen, but rather, the person has not have sex yet. But since the doctor said it is the only way to figure out what’s wrong inside, she obliged. If not, I will have to live with irregular periods and heavy bleeding forever.

So I’m writing this to share my experience doing the D&C procedure to people who needs this treatment as well. Basically, the procedure involves hysteroscopy, which is just a camera inserted to your uterine cavity. The doctor then looks around to see if there are polyps around your endometrium. If he/she discovered something, he/she will scrape it down with an instrument called a curette. All this is performed under general anesthesia.

Enough about the technical stuff!

Here’s my experience with it.

4th October 2013

Today I wake up at 5:15 AM. I couldn’t drink any water because the doctor asked me to fast from 12 midnight. Not even to drink! I felt so thirsty. Alas, I went to shower and pray. By 6:30 AM we were out of the house and my mom drove us to the hospital. We reached the hospital at 7:00, just as the doctor recommended. We went straight to the admission counter, handed the officer my letter, and she asked us to wait. Before long, she called me and said that by 7:45 a personnel will accompany me to the OT/holding room. I was so nervous, sitting and waiting for the moment to come. My mom chatted with me a little bit, reading some magazines, and just talked, to ease the tension.

The time came, and a man came and bring me and mom to level one, where the OT is situated. A friendly nurse greeted us. She said mom cannot stay inside, but could stay and wait outside. I was then led to a room where she handed me a patient gown and cap. She asked me to strip down and don the garment that is so sexy, haha. She kept my bag in the closet. Then I was asked to lay down on a bed. The nurse then took my blood pressure reading and it was normal, but my pulse was a bit high. Maybe that was because I was so nervous. I was given a paper that states about general anesthesia and the risks and common side effects. I read it and I get freakin scared at the rare side effects. I stopped reading.

My anesthesiologist came and introduced himself as Dr. Zul. He explained the procedure of general anesthesia and the risks, then asked me to sign the paper that I read. He was so cool and nice. He even reminded me to say Bismillah and selawat. I was chanting the selawat in my heart the whole time, and asked God to make everything okay. Then I waited again till 8:30 am.

When the time comes, it felt so sudden. I was like, wait! I’m not ready! Haha. Alas, the procedure has to be done anyway, so I was carted off to the OT. It felt like in the movies where the character was pushed into the operation theatre with nurses and doctors at the side. Nerve wrecking! It was very cold too. As soon as I entered the room, I had to be transferred to the OT’s bed from my default bed. Haha it was hard coz I am obese and very heavy to move. I had to inch my way across. Then, Dr. Zul went to insert a branula in my vein at the back of my hand. Also known as IV line. At first it was hard to find the vein, maybe because it was cold and my veins shrunk, he said. With a Bismillah, he inserted it and it went in perfectly! I was thankful for that, and it didn’t hurt so much this time. Then an oxygen mask was placed and it was the first time for me. Oxygen tastes weird! At the same time, nurses were putting blood pressure arm band on me and some plaster thingies on my chest and my sides. Then the doctor injected the anesthetic into my vein. My gynecologist, Dr. Yeen came in the OT and greeted me, and I felt happy to see her finally.

What happened next was a blur. It’s kinda funny too. I was waiting for the GA to kick in, but I remembered it took a long time for me to fade to black. When in fact, I didn’t fade to black at all. I was just gone! Next thing I know, I was waking up from sleep and the nurse told me it was successful. In my head, I was like “when did the Dr. did it? I was just out for a second! It can’t be finished?” I was clueless. But the evidence was there; I was bleeding from my vagina. Hahahah! The doctors were gone, and I noticed I was in a different room already. The nurse asked me if I felt any pain. I honestly didn’t. She proceeded to asked me using a pain chart, on a scale of one to ten, where was the pain. I was like “number 2″. She said, ” oh, you can smile then?”, referencing the cartoon smiley face on the chart. I was groggy and didn’t notice the face. But I smiled and said yeah.

I noticed that was still hooked on the blood pressure thingie. And there was the beeping of monitors on top of my head. I felt like peeing. The nurse said it was too early to let me go to the toilet, so she put a bedpan underneath my butt. At first I didn’t notice it was a bedpan. That was my first experience with bedpans too! Then the nurse asked, “did you pee?”. I was like “oh i’m supposed to pee here?”. I was embarrassed. I tried to squeeze out my pee, but nothing came. I was like that for a long time, then I decided it won’t come at all. I asked the nurse to remove the bedpan because it was uncomfortable and I could not pee. The nurse said it was common to feel like peeing because the doctor has scrape around inside the vag.

When I was stable, the nurse took me off the blood pressure monitor and moved my bed next to a wall. She  raised the bed to a sitting position and I was told to rest till the groggyness was gone. I asked the nurse what time is it, and she said it was 10:45 am. It was 2 hours since my surgery! Time went by very fast and I wonder how long I had been out. By now I felt nauseated and a little headache, and my anesthetist came and visit me. I guess he ordered the nurse to inject something to ease my nausea, because the nurse cam and put something in my IV line. I felt better afterwards and I felt fine, as if nothing happened.

I was so bored while waiting for the anesthetic to wear off. I wanna read my magazine, but it was in my bag, in the closet. I just doze off and look around. The nurse gave me water, finally I can drink! I was so thirsty and hungry. Waited a while, then the nurse asked me if I still feel nausea. By then, the nausea was gone, and the doctor had said that if the nausea is gone, then I can be discharged.

I was given the green light, and the friendly nurse brought me my bag and pushed my bed to the toilet so that I can pee and change into my street clothes. I went in and changed the pad that the nurse placed on my vag. It was strange, it was gauzy and thick and it doesn’t have any adhesive. It was just placed there, hahaha. So afterwards, I was carted to the first room where I changed into my gown, and waited there for my mom. And the nurse showed us the specimen found in my uterus. It was freaky, man! It was much smaller than the first polyps, but it was black. We waited for the gynae nurse to come up with a wheelchair to take me to see the doctor in her room. Then I was wheeled to see her.

She prescribed some medications and told me that she removed small polyps that was discovered on the lining. The specimen will be sent to the lab to screen for cancerous cells. In 2 weeks I should attend a follow-up to know the results. I can’t wait to know! I hope it was not cancerous and this whole ordeal is over at last.

So that’s my story.

Girls, if you have to do the D&C, let me tell you: it was a breeze. I didn’t even feel anything! I went home and continued my life like normal. It was as if I did not just undergo a surgery in the Operation Theater  just hours ago.  My vagina didn’t hurt at all. So do not feel nervous or scared. You will be sleeping the entire time. I think the most painful thing was when the anesthetist inserted the branula in my vein. And even that was not that painful.

Needless to say, the first thing after all that was done, was to EAT!

Overall, I was thankful to God, for making it so easy and safe. From this day forward, I will change my lifestyle to be more healthy. I need to lose weight. More on that later!

Dengue fever pt 2

This is the promised post of dengue fever part 2. I know, I know it is too late to write this story. But who’s reading anyway?

So basically the story left off by the time I arrived home. As soon as I arrived home, I laid down in the sofa and cried my eyes out. I don’t know why but the tears would not stop pouring. Maybe it was because I was tired, or sick or lonely. In the hospital, I had tried to cry but there were no tears. Only sounds coming out of my mouth.

Then I took a shower and then cried again. Wtf. Then I sleep in my beloved bed that I missed so much. Home sweet home.

The next day, my aunt who is a doctor, Aunty Herah, called my mom and asked her to go do a blood test on me to monitor my platelet level. So we went to this clinic which has its own lab. I went with a new found bravery and the results were promising. From 14,000 to 90,000 overnight. Impressive right? But the consulting doctor was like “you should go back to ward! It’s too low!” WhAtever, I am not going to the damn ward again!

Then I went home and ate crab lontong which was delicious. By then my appetite has been restored and I wanna eat everything. Alas, I was on home rest and was prohibited to get out of the house. It feels like I was in house arrest.

I wanna save you the trouble of reading every little thing I do at home during that time. I was basically happy and have a new appreciation of life. I was becoming brave. I completely changed after the life altering disease. I found God. Started praying consistently. Talking to myself and pretending to do a vlog. Singing, dancing.

But now I think I lost that spark. I’m beginning to be like my older self. Argh I don’t want to be like that! I noticed this after I returned from Johor. Hmm.

So the end. I’m glad this is over and done with! Fuhhh!